


You think I don't see who you really are

by Madalena



Series: Healing in the Key of Ruelle [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Healing, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, parental loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 17:05:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11257182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalena/pseuds/Madalena
Summary: Magnus opens up to Alec about his mother.----Part of a series of interconnected drabbles (and not-so-drabbles) focusing on life after 2x12, titled with lines from Ruelle songs, because her music is the most perfect music for Shadowhunters, and Malec in particular.





	You think I don't see who you really are

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** Mentions of suicide, discussion about the loss of a parent to suicide.
> 
> So this series hasn't been jossed by 2x13, and I'm glad. So I'm just going to continue on, though I might change some details about 2x13 once I get that far to suit my own purposes.

Magnus pulled away from the hug gently, stroking a hand over Alec’s chest as he did, but keeping himself in the safe circle of Alec’s arms. He glanced outside and saw that the sun was starting to rise, but he was not ready to face the day, not yet.

He looked at the couch and waved a hand towards it. His magic sparkled and the couch grew bigger, more comfortable. He turned back to Alec.

“Join me?” Magnus asked. “I… I need to sleep some more. But I worry that the nightmares will come again, but if you’re there with me… maybe… maybe they won’t.”

“Shhh.” Alec said, pulling Magnus close to him again, ghosting his lips over the warlock’s ear. “I’ll keep you safe. If you don’t want me to let you go, I won’t let you go.”

Alec let Magnus move him into the position that he wanted on the couch, and then Magnus curled up into his side, snuggling into the Shadowhunter’s chest. Alec kept one arm firmly around Magnus’ back, and the other locked fingers with one of his, pale and tan skin stark against each other as the sun rose.

Alec brushed his lips along Magnus’ hairline. “Sleep.” He whispered. “I’m here.”

But despite the desire and need for sleep, Magnus couldn’t. Not when he thought of the nightmares. Despite Alec’s comforting presence, the nightmares still hovered.

Alec could tell that Magnus wasn’t drifting off into sleep. “Do you… want to talk about them?” Alec offered. “I… when Izzy and I were younger, she’d wake up with nightmares, and come crying into my room to get me to make them go away. Of course there was nothing I could do about them really, I couldn’t go into her dreams, but if she talked about them… they held less power over her. And eventually they went away.”

“Alexander…”

“I understand, these are different, they’re not just nightmares but memories, but maybe… if you talked about them, if you shared them with someone - with me - then they won’t burden you as much.”

Magnus sighed. Alec wasn’t wrong. But could he? Could he open up like that? He’d only ever spoken to other warlocks about his past like that… no, that wasn’t strictly true. Raphael knew a lot of his history. And not that long ago he’d opened up to _Simon_ of all people about Camille and Blackfriars Bridge. And told him and Clary about his mother. And despite being so _young_ , they hadn’t judged him. They had listened. Maybe… maybe Alec would do the same?

Magnus took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Alec waited patiently until Magnus was ready to speak, running his thumb gently over the back of Magnus’ hand.

“My mother.” Magnus said softly. “She’s always the first nightmare. Me… finding her. After she killed herself. Because my warlock mark had manifested and she realized what I was. So she took her life. With that kris.” Magnus pointed to the weapon, which thankfully had not vanished during Valentine’s occupation of his apartment.

Alec’s arm tightened around him. “I’m so sorry, Magnus. I’m so sorry.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“But it still hurts you, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.”

That much was true. “When you’re immortal, you learn to compartmentalize. Lock things away.”

“Magnus…” Alec ran his lips over Magnus’ temple, just the ghost of a kiss, but the promise of more if Magnus reached out for it. “You don’t need to do that. Don’t lock her away. If you try to ignore that which causes you pain, it’ll just get worse. And it will hurt you and the people you’re trying to protect by hiding it even more than if it was out in the open.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“I believe a handsome warlock told me something like that when I was getting ready to marry someone I didn’t love.”

“Touché. But it isn’t really a story I want to spread around.”

“You don’t have to tell everyone. But it could help to talk more about her. Not focus on just her death. For example… what was her name?”

Magnus smiled. No one had ever asked that before, not even Ragnor. “Noor.”

“What’s your earliest memory of her?”

“I was just learning to walk. I was a fast learner, but I wasn’t always as… graceful as I am now. I was walking but I tripped over anything in my path. A pebble. A leaf. Even my own shadow.” He chuckled. “But each time, she would help me stand back up. Wouldn’t let me give up.”

Alec smiled into Magnus’ hair. “So that’s where you get your persistence.”

“Could be.”

“What did she look like?”

“Everyone always said I looked like her. She had long beautiful hair, that she’d always wear loose. Even when the wind would blow and it would tangle with anything in its path. But she was stubborn. Wouldn’t bow to societal conventions.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.”

Magnus smiled, realizing that this was the first time in a long time where he felt at peace talking about his mother. Alec had been right - by focusing on her death, he had started to forget what had been more important - her life.

As the nightmares had turned fond memories into terrible ones, it was now up to him to rewire those parts of his brain back to the happy memories. The negative memories had held power over him for too long, even when hidden.

No more.

Magnus stood up abruptly, and walked over to the kris. Alec took a sharp breath behind him, and rolled to his feet as well.

“Magnus…” He said in a careful tone. “What are you doing?”

The kris in his hands, Magnus realized what it might look like. He looked up at Alec reassuringly.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. I… I just realized I don’t need this on display anymore. I don’t need the bad memories facing me every day.”

Alec’s posture relaxed. “Okay. That’s good.”

Magnus walked over to his magical safe, and opened it, settling the kris inside gently. He locked it back up and returned to Alec, taking his hands in his.

“Thank you.” Magnus said, gazing up into Alec’s eyes. “I… no one has ever wanted to hear about her before. Her life, I mean.”

“I want to know everything you want to tell me about you, Magnus. I want to know your life. I know there’s been a lot of it - I don’t even know how much, and it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me - but I want to know about it. I want to know you.”

Magnus smiled again. “I’ll try my best to tell you things. It… it won’t always be easy. But I’ll try.”

Magnus pulled Alec towards him gently, moving one hand to Alec’s cheek, pulling their lips together in a soft soft kiss.

After he pulled back, Magnus tugged Alec back to the couch.

“Now, I did want to get some of that sleep.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to?”

“Yeah.” Magnus said, curling into Alec’s side. “My heart feels lighter. I think it did help, talking about her.”

“Good.” Alec said, kissing Magnus’ temple. “Now sleep.”

Magnus slept, and the nightmares stayed away.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I gave Magnus' mother a name. The books say she was half-Dutch, half-Indonesian. Since Noor is an Arabic name adopted into Indonesian (quite likely around the time period in question), as well as a Dutch short form of Eleonora, I think the name could work.
> 
> Title is from “Secrets and Lies” by Ruelle.


End file.
